English is a very irregular language when it comes to spelling. Many people thought that they would be able to solve this problem by creating their own spelling reforms that they for some reason believed everyone would accept. That never happened. The only spelling reform that one could call successful was made by Webster’s A Compendious Dictionary of the English Language, which introduced color and humor, but even that didn’t work very well because only the United States listened to that nonsense.

Anyhow, it’s my turn now to make English look like it was spelled by cats!

new alphabet

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

In reverse alphabetical order:

• let’s get rid of y; it’s only used for vowel sounds. Use i instead. Yes! Yay! Mary yelled, "Why today?" -> Ies! Iai! Mari ielled, "Whi todai?"
• let’s get rid of x; it’s literally just ks or z in disguise. A box of xylophones -> A boks of zilophones
• let’s get rid of w for the same reasons we got rid of y. Use u instead.
• let’s get rid of k. It’s too hard to write; often when I handwrite it, it looks like lc and I have to draw a line connecting them. q is effectively k, and it’s one stroke, so let’s use that instead.
• let’s get rid of j because the /d͡ʒ/ sound sounds terrible. It should only be used for spelling jalapeño
• let’s get rid of the letter c because it looks like an opening parentheses. Use tsh for the /t͡ʃ/ sound.

new inflections

Verbs are too easy to conjugate. We should adopt something similar to Romance languages. I’ll base my version off of Spanish, the language I’m currently taking. Here are the conjugations for to speak, AKA speaqer:

The past participle is speaqed and the present participle is speaqend. The imperative is the same as the present tense form.

As you can see, it’s very regular. However, this new conjugation only applies to verbs that start with s or h.

Nouns are too easy to decline. Thus, English nouns will have to decline for not only number, but also case. I’m going to steal the nominative (subject), genitive (possessive, ie the -'s in English), dative (indirect object), and accusative (direct object) case from German because why not. Here is the declension for the noun noun, AKA nounziggle:

Note that the second letter of the genitive singular needs to be capitalised. Adjectives and articles do not inflect based on the nouns they describe because we want to keep English a simple language.

pronouns

Pronouns remain unchanged except for the third person pronouns, which are inflected for gender. There are four genders: template, attack helicopter, female but not really, and conservative. For plural forms referencing a mixed group of nouns, default to the conservative plural form.

You will be able to choose a gender that people will use to refer to you, but you can’t change it because we don’t want indecisive people in our society.

All objects are attack helicopters, all animals are female but not really, and places are either templates (summer) or attack helicopters (not summer) depending on the season.

word order

The new proposed word order is VOS. Adjectives go after the nouns, the articles go after the adjectives, and adverbs belong in their own sentence.

capitalisation and punctuation

The first person singular nominative pronoun and proper nouns should be put in all caps. Sentences should not start with a capital letter; instead, they must end with a capital letter.

VOS sentences must end with 6 exclamation marks. Adverbial sentences end with a period. Comma rules are the same (throw them wherever you want).

example passage in the new and improved English

Let’s take this beautiful passage written by Gamepro5 (edited by me):

When I was young, I hung out with some jerks that I called friends. They bullied me a lot and were just annoying. I made this server out of rage when I got banned from their server, and in the long run, this server was more successful than theirs. The "no nickname" rule was put in place because the jerks over on that server would bully me and change my name to racist and offensive names. However, I had no other friends back then. Therefore, out of a fit of rage I created this server and swore to treat everyone on it the same, fair way. In the end, I succeeded more in every possible way than those bullies.

And run it through my new English reform:

uen, uos iung I, hangedo I!!!!!! ouT. uith erq some that qalled not-friend I. bullied me and, uere annoiing theI!!!!!! a lotzigglE. usT. made fun-server this I and uas more suqsessful than their serverziggle thiS!!!!!! out of don't maqe fun of ragE. uen got banned I. from don't maqe fun of server theiR. in don't maqe fun of run long thE. uas put "niqname nO." ruleziggle the beqause uould bulli me and tshange name mi erqhappi over on don't maqe fun of server that thE!!!!!! in plase. to name rasist and offensivE. had not-friend other I!!!!!! houeveR. nO. baq theN. qreated fun-server this and suearedo to treat everione on APATSHE I!!!!!! thereforE. out of don't maqe fun of fit a of don't maqe fun of ragE. in don't maqe fun of same and fair thE. suqseededo I!!!!!! in end thE. morE than bulli that. in don't maqe fun of uai everi possible.

As you can see, even English learners are able to read it. Thus, it is the best English spelling reform ever created.