these people(?) are looking for employees
After I started working at Tesla, I started getting unsolicited emails on my personal email. Not that it’s hard to find—it’s in my resume, and I don’t hide it in my git commits—but I was still curious how they got my email, so I replied to all of them asking where they got my email from. That’s probably a bad idea since it shows my email address is real, but whatever.
Shoutout to a recruiter at Greylock, who was the only one who answered my question and let me know that it was related to my LinkedIn “Open To Work” status. I guess I turned it on out of desperation looking for internships, but recruiters didn’t care until after I got a big tech company on my profile. Turning it off or asking recruiters to remove my email didn’t help, probably because the list is decentralized.
I’m not looking for a job right now, but maybe you are! These companies are clearly looking for talent, after all.
My LLM has advised against including the recruiters’ names and emails here because I’m in California, so I’ll just summarize their pitch.
LightSource
randomly shared a “body update” (😳??) with me. here’s one of their “public stuff”: google drive url. they are looking for 2026 interns and product and infrastructure people. they have a million dollars
Somewear Labs
they want new members for their polycule in sf or chicago. they will pay under two hundred thousand bases, and for four days a week you are permitted to be at home. foreigners prohibited. they have TEN million dollars. this is considered “exciting”
you will need to be resposible and do networks stuff. i think they are sending you into the mariana trench (BIG water pressure down there) and you will need to be reliable and secure
Formation
formation is NOT looking to hire you. they want you to quit and toil for zuck instead. they will help by typing interview tips into chatgpt for you
if you google “formation apply” you can find the link they sent me. and if you click on “our network” you will get a sampling of their victims. they really want you to apply, they pinged me three times
Altara
they think functional software is “outdated” and must be broken. they are funded by angelic creatures and the demons at openai. yet they are desparate enough to plead thrice
you must pay SF rent to work for them. they believe they have unlocked a new level of research n development… research and development SQUARED. during lunch they slurp on data into their esophagi
just imagine: you are trying to solve cancer. they want to be your annoying lab partner that only speaks in chatgpt
Pallet
immediately begins email worrying that i might find pallet uninteresting. guy also claims to have infiltrated other startups
Greylock
they make tech companies big. apparently after talking to engineers they can sell the conversation somehow
Vos Consultants
they allegedly have a “start up” with money yet are too timid to reveal its name. they euphemistically refer to it with exclusively ai buzzwords across three emails
not only will you get two hundred thousand bases but they will grant you equity they deem “generous”
there is food located in the vicinity of their location
OpenJobs AI
someone somewhere is looking for someone who knows how to type “make me a react component” into chatgpt
Citadel
hedge fund. selling points are “small team” and “we are making it not a small team.” the people you will be working with enjoy messes… just imagine the stench. unlike the other recruiters, this fellow had the time to send FOUR successive emails
they do not have a “formal application process” which grants them the power to do anything, like exclude certain populations they disfavor
Metantz / Zettabyte
會說中文嗎？ they want a “vue/next.js” dev (is that not nuxt? or is their codebase a result of two highly opiniated engineers) who can draw rectangles in figma. the worst part? it’s in palo alto
in follow up emails they silently rebranded from metantz to zettabyte. but each time they reemphasize chinese is “preferred”
Arbital Health
healthcare is expensive enough, but what if we drew money away from hospitals into our own pockets?
it is unclear what they do but they have thirty one million dollar
their job posting links are broken
MBS Innovations
this guy is an interview dealer. he says many nameless companies are looking for people
DevSignal
an ai startup that’s just an uninspired mern app for AIPAC and the like. it is AI because they use claude (just for writing code)
Prophecy Gov
twenty U.S. towns have fallen victim to this chatgpt wrapper. they have nine halves million dollar
VoiceAdmin
you know how we moved away from fax and dial up? they want to bring it back by tying everything together with voice and AI. with access to your health information
somehow their office can see nyc three hundred miles away in virginia. they are also proud of their BIG office windows so you arent as reminded that youre trapped indoors
their pay is “competitive”
Thunderbird
they want to take the fun out of video games
Applied Intuition
they are farming tesla employees for self driving secrets